Woman Has Great Idea for Reductress Article, Promptly Forgets It

BROOKLYN, New York—

Yesterday morning a 37-year-old Westchester County resident woke up with a phrase on her mind. She repeated the phrase again and again in her head as she used the toilet, as she brushed her teeth, as she got dressed. She knew it was gold, and she knew she'd remember it without writing it down. 

That phrase was a potentially ground-breaking Reductress article headline. 

And that woman was Laura, our editor. 

While waking her body up for work as she does every morning, with a cup of cold coffee and a quick 3-hour social media check, Laura's brain space filled with hundreds of tiny thoughts, all of little to no import. I can't wait to waste everyone's time with these useless tidbits later, she thought to herself probably. And by the time she was buttoning up her coat, she had come to a devastating realization: she could no longer recall the headline idea. 

At the office, Laura tried in vain to get the words back. She bounced some thoughts off of the writing staff.

"Something about the terrified voices in our heads?" she wondered aloud.

The team rolled their respective pairs of eyes. That is our thing. She apologized.

"How about...'Woman Has Great Idea for Reductress Article, Promptly Forgets It'?"

"Thas qt y not?" Jasmine texted from the hallway where she was waiting for possibly the city's slowest Dippin' Dots machine to fill her paper cup. Returning to the conference room, frozen treat in hand, she added, "But do you know what you'd write in the body of the piece?"

A seasoned satirist with a braintrust of funny folks at her disposal, Laura was certain she could figure something out. As the hours ticked away, however, she became less and less confident and, ultimately, lost interest completely, which was really out of character for her and not something she does all the time.

"If you need me I'll be agonizing over the least obtrusive spots to put ads on this fucking blog nobody even fucking reads 'cause I'm poor as shit," she told her colleagues.

"One of you can post about the stupid Reductress thing if you want—I don't care anymore." ᐀


<3 @socuratedblog