[NFSFFW] Stop Wasting Your Money: You Know You're Just Going To End Up Using Your Hand

An array of colorful, titillating toys in a relaxed boutique atmosphere at Babeland.

It's been many years since adult toys evolved beyond lurid curiosities in sketchy adult shops. When we were kids, they were mostly cheaply manufactured novelties located between the lava lamps and the black light art at Spencer Gifts.

The adult section of a Portland, ME Spencer Gifts, 2009.

Today, even the dildos, vibes, sleeves, and rings at Spencer's are for the most part pleasantly hued, tastefully packaged, and purportedly of good quality. We can thank stores like Babeland for allowing us to shop in a comfortable retail environment for the kinds of products our parents secretly ordered from the Adam and Eve catalogue, except not secretly because we knew.

#TW

As sex toy manufacturers have increasingly endowed their wares with the latest cutting-edge technology, top of the line orgasm gadgets have skyrocketed in price. Many of them seem worth it. Seriously, have you felt that one that "thrusts" instead of just vibrating? (Currently $189.99 and free Prime shipping on Amazon.) When we held it at the store, we didn't want to let go. But if there's one thing you don't want to go splitsies on with your pals, it's a fully submersible, rechargeable, realistic-action fucking device. Alas.

And that's, as they say, the rub. (If you don't like dirty puns you can stop reading right now.) Speaking for myself, I've splurged a few times in my life on a luxurious-looking electric phallus in hopes its superior pleasure-generating power might pacify the screaming, terrified voices in my head. But if you read the title of this post, you know how it turned out.

The first time out of the box, it feels amazing, but maybe it's too amazing— you're so distracted by how amazing it feels that you keep on circling the hole, but you just can't sink the ball. The second and third time are awesome. Best investment of your life, you say aloud, naked from the waist down and smiling at the ceiling. Content for one of only six times that you can recall, you put the toy down on a tissue on the nightstand and let yourself fall asleep.

Three weeks later, you realize you never cleaned it. So you clean it, because ew. And you put it away with care. And you never reach for it again. Why should you? Your fingers do the trick. It's quick, quiet, and there's nothing extra to wash and put away after. It never needs new batteries, and best of all, it's free.

Because while the cost of adult toys has risen and risen¹ over the past couple of decades, wages have stagnated². Every dollar you make selling your time and your body to a business that profits from your labor is a precious crumb tossed your way by the capitalist ruling class. Don't waste that currency on fancy masturbation aids. You know you're just going to end up using your hand.

https://gfycat.com/@subterfug3

#loveyourself

  

#seriouslythoughbuywhateveryouwant

1 That sounds true, right? #thatsoundstrue
2 This one is definitely true. And we linked to a reputable source. See? Here's another one. Don't cry. #masturbateinsteadofcrying