In a Pandemic, Inanimate Friends Are the Safest Friends

Last lockdown, influencers posted pictures of sourdough loaves and you all went nuts. But can sourdough keep you company? Can you cuddle with sourdough? Tell it your deepest, darkest secrets? Oh you can? Well, one-sided relationships are never healthy, and nothing baked can truly love you. When the last piece of pull-apart is eaten, you have to face it: it was never meant to last. You deserve better probably. 

So what should we do this time around? It is undeniably true that our worth is based on our productivity and that the quality of our lives is calculated retroactively using the simple and objective metric of "how much we accomplished." So if you were planning to maybe just chill and rest your weary soul this winter, remember you are always one long epsom salt soak away from Communism. 

Bolshevism! Sheer Bolshevism!

Anyway, we here at My So-Curated Life don't believe in burying the lede more than about 1/3 down the page, so here's the main idea.

Instead of feeding and then slowly murdering countless single-celled organisms in a hot oven to forcibly extract carbon dioxide and lactic acid from their primordial organelles so your pile of wet grain can grow nice and fluffy and tangy before you cut it apart and devour it with a yellow-to-white solid emulsion of fat globules, water, and inorganic salts produced by churning the cream from cows' milk, you can craft your own stuffed animals! Your own, by the way, means no sharing with kids. Chances are they won't be tough enough to withstand the sadistic "play" of children. 

Speaking of "sadistic," these guys have families you know.

We know what you're thinking: "Doesn't that take a ton of practice and talent?" Haha no. We know you're not thinking. And that's not a bad thing! In fact, you can accomplish a lot more than you think without thinking. YouTube videos can teach you to knit or crochet in minutes. All the supplies you need can be ordered online. You can purchase kits or patterns for mere dollars on Etsy and other crafting websites, or even buy books of knitting or crochet animal patterns!**

Once you know how to do the basic stitches, the process of crafting these critters is pretty mindless. You can do it while listening to music or with Futurama reruns on in the background (but only Futurama reruns; otherwise you'll get too distracted). You don't even have to stop doomscrolling—just make sure you never stop to cry mid-row or you'll lose your place!

Nothing to see here.

It can be pretty addictive too, keeping your hands off the disposable vape pen you bought at the gas station after you swore you were quitting. It's zero nicotine, but what other shit are you inhaling? Think about it. Or actually don't. That'll only make you want it more. 

Once you've knitted or crocheted and stuffed your new friend, you can post him or her or them (but never "it"!) on social media and your friends will think you're a genius! But for reals, always credit the designer of the pattern. Seriously if you don't you're an asshole. Why would you even. What kind of scum...

With thanks to whomever made this gif.

Your new stuff-buddy (we heard that's what they call them in Canada) can offer you something that bread and your parents never could: unconditional goddamned love. Go ahead, dump your emotions on them, bombard them with your worries, repeat to them the streams of stinging words that drip like venom from the terrified voices in your head. If you embroidered a smile on your little pal, it'll never turn into the haunting expression your ex made that one time you thought you could open up about that part of yourself to another human. 

(Credit to @mochimochiland)

So go on and give it a try! Because it's not implausible that you're going to be stuck at home soon, and for a good long time—when you're not sacrificing your body to maintain an impersonal abstraction called "the economy," that is.*

Show us your creations on Instagram or Twitter with the hashtag #IMadeAFriend. Make sure to tag us @socuratedblog so we see you! 

<3 Be safe, #maskup, and why not check out stitch-and-bitch groups on Facebook if you want to communicate with flesh people!

Facebook: Experience the gamut of human emotion.

*This prediction is our own based on currently available epidemiological information and not on advice from the CDC, who would remind you to pay your employer back for any sick-day pay you have collected while out of work with Covid.
Okay that last bit is not true but you know they would if they could. 

**These are affiliate links. But we promise we only link to stuff we think you might like! We want to be your friends! Please be our friends. All we have are a pile of stupid fucking stuffed animals that look like crap anyway because we fucking suck at crafts. But yours will be beautiful because you made them.